givemeabreak's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A whole lotta nothing... I am suffering from insomnia AGAIN, and have to be up for work in just a few short hours. I should be a complete ball of joy and happiness at work later today. I am in a funk. I am not exactly sure how I reached this funk, but nonetheless, I am FUNKY. My mood swings are so big, I am like a one woman carnival ride. The other day at work this snide person made a comment at me and I practically ripped his head off. Yeah, that's great customer service. I swear I wanted to slash his tires on the mere principle that he had parked where I so kindly told him that he couldn't. I have been having issues lately with entitlement. I am not sure I even spelled that correctly, but nothing pisses me off more than when someone comes up to me at work with this HUGE chip on their shoulder acting all entitled to do whatever the hell they please. I am pretty much a push over if you ask me nicely or hell even tell me nicely...but when you bum rush me at the door and act like a total fucking asshole, then sorry, I want to rip your face off. I don't know where the rage comes from. It's sad. I need to get back into therapy and damn soon I do believe. Lately, I have been going through this phase where I feel like I don't have any friends. Well, it's true. Most of the friends I used to spend time with live outside of Kalamazoo. So travel in and of itself can pose a problem with impromptu get togethers. Can you hear my justification as to why I never see my so-called friends? I saw my friend Lisa last weekend and it was so nice to finally catch up with her. She is one of those people who no matter how much time passes, you know that she is still your friend and feels you at your heart and soul. I sure miss working with her. Even when working at the State of Michigan made me want to slit my own throat on most days, she was the cool breeze in hell. As for everybody else, I pretty much have stopped trying to be the glue. The one who always calls/emails/writes first and tries to plan little get togethers. It's just easier not to bother, then I don't get pissed off when people say they are going to show up for a party and don't. There is no faster way to my bad side than to say you are coming to a party then don't show up. I usually make/cater enough food to feed a small third world nation and it sucks when three hours into my party it's Tracy and I sitting here looking at each other wondering which one of us must smell. I know that I shouldn't complain, but I am feeling like a chronic bitcher tonight and need to vent my spleen. I guess what it boils down to is this terrible feeling of rejection. I feel as though there must be something wrong with me that people don't want to hang out with me. I swear my phone never rings unless it's something ridiculous and I don't want to answer it anyway. Also, I am kinda bummed because a friend that I made at school, Heidi, is moving to Florida next week. I am so sad about that...we were getting close and she is a ton of fun. I know it's not to say that I cannot remain in contact with her and still be friends, but frankly, I don't know when I'll ever be taking the big ol' jet plane to Orlando since I am poorer than dirt at the moment. Okay, I need to find a way to lull myself to sleep. My brain is on overdrive and I can't seem to shut it off. We went out Saturday night to listen to this live band and I have this image of these two people slow dancing burned into my head and I cannot shake it. I want the image out of my head. I want the feeling that I felt while they danced to be gone, gone, gone. I cannot tell you how lonely a feeling it is to see everyone and I mean everyone in the restaurant/bar dancing and you are the only one sitting there alone watching. Talk about feeling like a loser. I suppose TRacy and I could have danced together, but I wasn't really in the mood for dodging bullets in hickville this weekend. God, something has gotta change. I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess I want something I cannot have and will never be allowed to have. Ugh. 12:25 a.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 05, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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